Get a Grip

At some point in history, someone--and I'd love to know who--started the myth that masturbation leads to blindness, replacing the earlier rumor that masturbation can make you gay. Other theories propose that rockin' the redhead kills felines, or even worse, that pocket pool will cause one to hate America. Somehow, a decade into the widespread popularity of the Internet, we have avoided becoming a planet of hirsute-palmed, cat-murdering insane America-bashers walking into walls.

The cold, hard truth, though, has emerged in indisputable scientific tests and been published in journals of the highest integrity: Blindness causes masturbation.